Building Relationships in Coaching

Inspired by our book Coaching Better Athletes

Let’s talk about something that gets to the heart of sports: relationships. Relationships are built on relatedness or connectedness. For athletes, it’s not just about knowing you belong to a team—it’s about knowing your role, your value, and how you impact the group. As coaches, relatedness is one of the main reasons we do what we do, or at least it should be. Those who have the ability to build relationships separate themselves from everyone else.

The Pull of Coaching

Ever wonder why some folks are drawn to coaching? Sure, the clipboard, the whistle, and the chance to strategize are cool, but there’s something deeper. Coaching makes you feel significant. When parents cheer you on, players look up to you, and fellow coaches give you a nod, it’s a great feeling. That sense of competence and connection? It’s addictive.

But here’s where things get tricky. Some coaches chase that high by trying to prove they’re the best in their sport. You’ve seen them—the ones who act like they’ve got something to prove. They’re out to show the world they’ve cracked the code to winning in their respective sport. And yeah, that makes sense on the surface. If they can lead their team to victory, they’ll earn respect from other coaches and feel like they’ve made it.

The problem? They’re chasing relationships in the wrong place. They’re trying to connect with their coaching peers or the general public—aka people who don’t mean too much to those in their charge. That’s not what coaching’s about. Your team, those athletes you’re leading, they’re the ones who matter.

It’s All About Relationships

Here’s the deal: relatedness is about real, human connection. It’s about being responsive to your players and them being responsive to you. Forget the thrill of a win or the power trip of running the show—relationships are what fuel me as a coach. I’ll say it loud and proud: building those bonds is why I show up and give it my all.

Too many coaches miss this. They treat their athletes like cogs in a machine, not people with dreams, fears, and quirks. Newsflash: no matter if they’re 10 or 20, your athletes are humans first. If you want to feel truly connected as a coach, you’ve got to understand that. Some folks step into coaching for the authority or the “big boss” vibes, but trust me, that wears thin fast. When the going gets tough—and it will—coaches who don’t prioritize relationships start pointing fingers or benching players they think aren’t cutting it. That blame game? It’s a one-way ticket to a fractured team.

Show You Care, Then Show Your Smarts

You’ve probably heard the saying, “Athletes don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” At first glance, it sounds like fluff. Of course, players want a coach who knows their stuff—strategy, drills, the works. But here’s the truth: to build a team that’s tight-knit and driven, your athletes need to know you’ve got their back. They need to feel you care about them, not just their performance.

So how do you do that? Be real. Be blunt. Tell your team you’re all about building relationships. Ask them what drives them, what makes them tick, why they’re out there giving their all. One of the best moves I ever made as a coach was talking to parents before the season starts. I ask, “What lights your kid up? What gets under their skin?” That kind of insight is gold. It’s like getting a playbook for how to lead each player, not just as an athlete but as a person.

Become a Leader, Not Just a Coach

When you take the time to know your players on that level, something incredible happens. You’re not just the coach who knows the game inside out—you’re a leader they trust and, more importantly, someone with whom they can connect. Your importance to the team goes way beyond X’s and O’s. You become the glue that holds it all together.

So, next time you’re drawing up plays or running drills, remember this: coaching isn’t about proving you’re the smartest in the room. It’s about showing your athletes they matter. Build those relationships, and you’ll find the kind of relatedness that makes coaching worth every second you dedicate to it.

What’s your take? How do you connect with your team? Drop a comment—I’d love to hear what’s worked for you.